On New Years Eve, I spontaneously wrote a caption on my instagram post - an honest and raw account of how I was feeling as I reflected on 2017.  I told myself I wouldn’t repeat it in a post on the journal, yet here I am, still reflecting and feeling compelled to expand.  To expand on that post, and to expand in my life.  In order to expand, I have to be in the truth.  In my truth.  I’m still reflecting, going within, and spending most of my time alone.  I’m sitting with what happened last year.  Not to relive it, or to cleanse it, but rather to allow myself and my body some time to move through it (my body has gone through a lot and is in need of major rest).  2017 was excruciating and exhausting (politically, personally, etc.).  It was a whirlwind.  No…it was a shit show. 

As I reflect, I see that I asked for it.  I asked for it in my commitment to my growth.  In my commitment to my truth and authenticity.  I asked for it in my vow.  In 2014, I made a vow instead of a resolution - vulnerability.  That year I learned to love myself in a deeper way than I ever knew I could.  I committed to being with myself.  To being more in my body.  And that presence required the allowance to love myself.  That year I met Jeff, who returned that love.  He also showed me that my vulnerability was beautiful because he accepted me in all of my messiness.  He accepted that I was flawed, and he supported my commitment to my self-work.  Every year I now make a new vow.  

The definition of resolution is “a firm decision to do or not to do something.”  Often, it’s giving something up - restricting, withholding - and it almost feels punishing.  The definition of vow is “a solemn promise.”  Some synonyms include:  commitment, affirmation, word of honor.  Every year I make a promise to myself by honoring that word of commitment.  The vow is an ongoing affirmation that never ends with the year’s closing, but begins with the year’s opening.  It’s not linear or limiting, but rather, fluid.  It’s soft and forgiving.  I make sure to create all of these vows with love, in order to grow and expand beyond my current understanding of self and of others.

My vow to myself for 2017 was to lean-in more.  Immediately after making that vow, life as I knew it blew up.  But I didn't blow up (even when I wanted to). I leaned in.  I listened.  When everything around me was chaotic, when I was crying and screaming and questioning everything, I never gave up on my truth.  I never compromised my own faith in myself and the universe.  As I lay in bed with a cold, reflecting, there's so much to continue to lean-in to.  And that is something I feel immense gratitude for.  That there will always be growth (if I commit to it).  Most obviously, I am grateful to have my own bed to rest in (after not having a bed for so long).  I am grateful for my body, despite having been through so much and so weathered down, she is still here, deeply yearning to heal.  And I am committed to healing with her.  To continue to say no to what doesn't feel right in my intuition in order to say yes to things I wouldn't expect to be in front of me.  To continue to shed - to strip ways of being I picked up that don't serve me, in order to become more and more of who I truly am.  This year, my vow is for unapologetic acceptance.  To not only allow myself to be unapologetically me, but to also accept her - whether in the stillness, the rapture, or the crash.

No compromise.  None.   I don’t mean with others, but with myself.  With my desires.  My truths.  My being.  I will not compromise.  This is my vow to myself - that I will not take less than what I need, what I know I deserve.  I will not deny my body, my inner self of what she requires.  This is essential to her wellbeing, I’m finding.  

I have said yes in my life too many times because I thought I should, even though she knew not to.  Yes, I will show up to this party for my friend even though I feel like complete shit.  Yes, I will sleep with you because it will be fun, even though I wish you were someone else.  Yes, I will take this low work rate, even though I know I deserve more.  Because what if I let my friend down?  Because aren’t I supposed to be enjoying myself?  Because what if more money won’t be coming in?  This is not the voice I want to feed.  This voice is the conditioned one.  The one who feels shame for being an artist.  The one who is scared to draw outside of the lines too often.  The one who was told she could do anything she wanted within the confines of certain rules.  The one who felt misled because why couldn’t she do anything she wanted without limits?  

Boundlessness.  That is what I’m seeking now.  I used to think this meant saying yes to everything.  If I say yes to everything, I will be led to exactly where I’m supposed to be.  I have said yes in my life to things I knew I didn’t want.  I’ve also said no to things I knew I didn’t want.  I would always second guess myself when saying no.  What if I’m supposed to go to Canada to work on this movie set for this amazing actress, instead of spending time building my own career?  Why did I say no?  This is the torture I would put myself through, even though I said no to pursue my own passion.  So I spent an entire year intentionally saying yes to see what would show up for me.  To sort of “test” it out. 

In 2016 I was working on a great freelance styling gig for a great company making great money, until it wasn’t so great.  Until I realized there was a lot of sliminess going on behind the scenes.  Until the person working above me verbally accosted me, and my body responded by being in a constant state of anxiety and fear when I was in the studio.  When I watched the same thing happen to another employee, that was it.  I left.  I was listening to my body, and I could not show up any longer in such terrible, negative energy.  And then I went back.  Because I was asked to.  Because I was experimenting with saying yes.  Because I knew I needed to show up to see what would happen.  My anxiety did not dissipate.  It worsened.   Eventually, I was sort of “phased out.”  I was not meant to be there any longer.  The universe took care of the situation for me.   Many things like this happened in that year, and it was all confirmation that my intuition always knows.  She never fails me.  

Discernment.  This is what I learned so deeply through these experiences.  I have always had a very strong intuition and even what I would call a gift of discernment.  Yet, I still would question myself.   No more.  Because I want more.  No does not mean turning down opportunities or shutting myself off from the world.  It means no, I will not compromise my truths for anything or anyone - not even for my own fears and uncertainties.  Saying no does not always look pretty.  I said no to a moldy apartment that was making me sick, even though it meant couch surfing and being away from my man and our dog.  I said no to every potential new home that didn’t feel right, even though it meant being being without a home.  I said no to working for disrespectful clients, even though it meant also saying no to money.  And yet, I feel stronger in myself than ever before.  I trust that I will be taken care of, without compromise.  

No compromise can always be applied to objects of attainment.  Why purchase or obtain (even if it’s free) something unless it’s 100 percent in line with what you need, deserve, and love.  If you apply this concept not only to your moral compass, but also to your Object Philosophy, you will begin to weed out the objects that don’t serve you and bring in ones that do.  

Stripping down to the root of who you truly are will always help you to collect more mindfully, and more importantly, to connect more intentionally to your things, your rituals, and yourself.  If you need guidance with this, you can book a one-on-one session here.  Feel free to get in touch with any questions.

I recently read Wabi-Sabi For Artists, Designers, Poets & Philosophers by Leonard Koren.  I zoomed through the book while staying in Joshua Tree, in between work and activities, in one day.  I was already familiar with wabi-sabi as an aesthetic, but I didn’t fully know about its history or the depth in which it can permeate the spiritual or intangible world.  In the beginning of the book, Leonard writes: “Wabi-sabi can in its fullest expression be a way of life.  At the very least, it is a particular type of beauty.”  I felt an overwhelming sense of synchronicity and thought “yes, this, in a sense, is what I am trying to teach.”  What I love about wabi-sabi is that it embraces the irregularities, the oddities, the qualities that society may deem as “ugly” - and observes the beauty in these characteristics - essentially by practicing mindfulness and observation.  

Here’s an excerpt from the book:

“In wabi-sabi, there is no ‘valuable,’ since that would imply ‘not valuable.’  An object obtains the state of wabi-sabi only for the moment it is appreciated as such.  In the tea room, therefore, things come into existence only when they express their wabi-sabi qualities,  Outside of the tea room, they return to their ordinary reality, and their wabi-sabi existence fades away.”

Think of yourself as the tea room.  You are imperfect.  Your objects are imperfect.  Your relationship with your objects is as such - imperfect.  It just is.  You are the one who gets to implement this way of life.  You create the energy in your home, in your objects, in your relationships.  In wabi-sabi “every single object seems to expand in importance in inverse proportion to its actual size.”  If we create a relationship with our objects in this way, we will require less because we will be fed more by what we do have.  I like to think of this as “cherished detachment.”  We get to appreciate and love our things, while knowing that they do not make us whole, but aid us in our quest to living mindfully.  

“Things wabi-sabi are appreciated only during direct contact and use; they are never locked away in a museum.  Things wabi-sabi have no need for the reassurance of status or the validation of market culture.”  Use this as your guide.  There’s no need to have a storage unit or a closet full of unnecessary items that we may someday use (and probably never touch).  I want to get rid of this model entirely.  When acquiring objects, forget about what’s trending or new or cool.  Go with what speaks to you, in your soul.  You can tap into your intuition by really getting into your physical body in order to be more in touch with what you are naturally dawn to.  Seriously, meditate before you shop.  Get grounded.  Close your eyes.  Imagine your feet are on the dirt or in the sand.  Take deep breaths (as many as you need).  Do this before stepping foot into a store, before looking for items, and let your body guide you. 

Temperatures were very high well into Fall here in Los Angeles.  Last week we had a heat wave in the hundreds - it was maddening!  It's finally cooling off, thankfully.  I've curated objects for a soft transition to Fall (even though we are well into the season) with a playlist to go along.

This beautiful rug, sold by Jean Palmer Home, has a blend of harmonious yet moody hues for an overcast day.  I would cuddle up on the floor with some pillows and journal, to reflect from within.  

A new spin on the classic Mary-Jane's, I'm obsessed with these green stunners.  Wear with tights for warmth, and you will spruce up any outfit this season.  They are by designer, Suzanne Rae, and you can buy them here.

I love brass, and I love statement earrings.  These Nandi Naya gems are simple, yet bold.  Her new website is coming soon.  In the meantime, you can shop her collaboration with Subrina Heyink.

My acupuncturist introduced me to Snow Lotus, a line of essential oils and blends.  My absolute favorite blend is "Spirit Lift."  When I feel like staying inside and being cozy but need to be out in the world, I always roll this on my wrists, neck, and a tad under my nostrils.  On the website, they list the Chinese medicine function as follows:  "nourishes heart blood and yin, clears heat and glosses the shen."  In other words, it relieves anxiety and calms the spirit - it is very grounding, yet also uplifting.  Purchase here.

Twenty One Tonnes is one of my favorite shops for sustainably crafted objects.  They have a beautifully curated selection of goods and work with artisans and family businesses.  Therefore, no two products are identical.  Shop their baskets.  

I'm really excited about this new brand, Return To Sender Collective, with a line designed and made in Los Angeles.  Browse the collections on their website, including this comfy jumpsuit. 

Listen while browsing - it will set the mood for a "soft Fall."