On New Years Eve, I spontaneously wrote a caption on my instagram post - an honest and raw account of how I was feeling as I reflected on 2017. I told myself I wouldn’t repeat it in a post on the journal, yet here I am, still reflecting and feeling compelled to expand. To expand on that post, and to expand in my life. In order to expand, I have to be in the truth. In my truth. I’m still reflecting, going within, and spending most of my time alone. I’m sitting with what happened last year. Not to relive it, or to cleanse it, but rather to allow myself and my body some time to move through it (my body has gone through a lot and is in need of major rest). 2017 was excruciating and exhausting (politically, personally, etc.). It was a whirlwind. No…it was a shit show.
As I reflect, I see that I asked for it. I asked for it in my commitment to my growth. In my commitment to my truth and authenticity. I asked for it in my vow. In 2014, I made a vow instead of a resolution - vulnerability. That year I learned to love myself in a deeper way than I ever knew I could. I committed to being with myself. To being more in my body. And that presence required the allowance to love myself. That year I met Jeff, who returned that love. He also showed me that my vulnerability was beautiful because he accepted me in all of my messiness. He accepted that I was flawed, and he supported my commitment to my self-work. Every year I now make a new vow.
The definition of resolution is “a firm decision to do or not to do something.” Often, it’s giving something up - restricting, withholding - and it almost feels punishing. The definition of vow is “a solemn promise.” Some synonyms include: commitment, affirmation, word of honor. Every year I make a promise to myself by honoring that word of commitment. The vow is an ongoing affirmation that never ends with the year’s closing, but begins with the year’s opening. It’s not linear or limiting, but rather, fluid. It’s soft and forgiving. I make sure to create all of these vows with love, in order to grow and expand beyond my current understanding of self and of others.
My vow to myself for 2017 was to lean-in more. Immediately after making that vow, life as I knew it blew up. But I didn't blow up (even when I wanted to). I leaned in. I listened. When everything around me was chaotic, when I was crying and screaming and questioning everything, I never gave up on my truth. I never compromised my own faith in myself and the universe. As I lay in bed with a cold, reflecting, there's so much to continue to lean-in to. And that is something I feel immense gratitude for. That there will always be growth (if I commit to it). Most obviously, I am grateful to have my own bed to rest in (after not having a bed for so long). I am grateful for my body, despite having been through so much and so weathered down, she is still here, deeply yearning to heal. And I am committed to healing with her. To continue to say no to what doesn't feel right in my intuition in order to say yes to things I wouldn't expect to be in front of me. To continue to shed - to strip ways of being I picked up that don't serve me, in order to become more and more of who I truly am. This year, my vow is for unapologetic acceptance. To not only allow myself to be unapologetically me, but to also accept her - whether in the stillness, the rapture, or the crash.