I feel trapped.  Stifled.  Suffocated.  I need space.

This is a theme for me.  One that I have been consciously exploring in the last two years, and as of late, it feels like this need is only getting stronger and louder.  It’s pretty obvious that no one person (other than myself) or object can give me this space.  Perhaps a larger home would (I’m in 300 sq ft with another person and a dog).  Perhaps.  Yet this need for space has depth.  So much depth.  When I close my eyes I often see myself swimming with dolphins in the deep sea or walking in the open desert.  My subconscious is taking me to vast, expansive places.  Places that are unknown, elusive, and even otherworldly.

These visions help me to access the spaciousness within, while my physical world may not be as roomy at the moment.  I spent nearly a year of my life in fight-or-flight mode, and while I’m so thankful to be out of that state, my body is still holding onto some of the trauma (which I’m actively working on releasing), and the areas in which I’m seeking expansion in my life are remaining stagnant (or seemingly so).  For instance, we moved into the moldy place after identifying that we needed some more physical space than we had in our tiny Echo Park cottage - to have alone time, to create, to rest, etc.  We eventually ended up in an even tinier all-one-room cottage.  Thankfully, we now live in nature, amongst the trees.  But you can probably gauge why the feeling of suffocation comes up regarding this situation - I left the tiny Echo Park cottage for more space, learned and grew so much in that insanely difficult time, and then ended up in the “same” situation I was trying to expand from in the first place.  But I can create a bit of space simply by not attaching to that meaning.  By knowing internally that I’m not in the same place I was a year and a half ago.  That I’ve learned so much.  That it might not all be crystal clear, but I’m listening.  I’m tuning in.

It’s frustrating to do self work and to have incredible epiphanies and realizations and connections and to then watch your life stay stagnant.  But this is where I get deterred from being in the unknown (which is actually a place of spaciousness, like the ocean) - by trying to “figure it out.”  By trying to attach to some kind of understanding of the situation or the need.  Yet truly, the only thing that works is to let it breathe.  To allow it to be there without having to understand.  To trust that everything will be revealed in due course.  And if I’m not “getting something” it’s not because I’m not doing the work - because I am.  I cannot force myself to accelerate faster.  All I can do is show up for myself.  And in that showing up, I’m being asked to go into the depths of feeling stuck and suffocated to learn and extract more from it than I can currently fathom. 

Part of this process for me involved clearing out all most of my possessions.  This allowed me to open up the space to even hear this voice.  To heed to its calling.  Because so much of my attachment to the “what if’s” relating to those items was released as soon as I let them go.  And this letting go has allowed me to be where I am.  To stay in the simplicity of each moment.  To release my yearning and needing for things outside of myself.  To detach from old stories and ways of being.  The more physical space I cleared, the more metaphysical space became available for me to dive into.  This may not be the case for everyone.  This work is so individualistic (depending on the truth of your internal needs).  But whatever the need, the physical and metaphysical are connected.  When we are only exploring one realm, we are missing parts of the whole.  If we go straight to the metaphysical without looking at the concrete, we lose connection from the earthliness of grounding in reality.  If we only go into the physical, we lose the magic and the message of what’s trying to come through and help us to grow.  

I’ve been connecting these two worlds by utilizing my objects to create space for myself, through rituals.  Here are a couple of examples:

MORNING TONIC

I listen to soothing music, heat up water or mylk, and then gather my spices and adaptogens.  The process - of waiting for the kettle to steam, stirring everything together with the tiny wooden spoon, slowly sipping, and enjoying time with myself - is an intimate one.  It allows me to slow down and stay present at the start of my day.  You can read more of this here.

GETTING DRESSED

I ask my body what it needs.  Does my body need ease and movement (something open and free like a linen jumpsuit) or structure (something more containing like denim)?  This simple question opens me up to the truth of what my body needs, so that I can respond with receptiveness.  

These tiny acts create space, because being in touch with the truth and in tune with my needs always does.  When I go about life in autopilot - fight-or-flight, or going through the motions - where’s the room for me?  It’s really about peeling the layers in order to have more compassion, not more understanding or knowing.   To lay bare, to become more raw.  It is in this rawness that I have no choice but to surrender.  To let go.  To need nothing but the space between myself and a universe I may never understand.  

If you feel called to learn more and to dive into this work, explore booking a session.  Feel free to email me with any questions.

I’ve always known this intellectually, that I am enough.  I am whole on my own.  I don’t need anyone or anything to aid in being enough.  Yet, as I’ve been examining areas and experiences in my life, I’m finding that I’m not fully “there” yet.  I still at times experience guilt and shame for simply being me.  This is absolutely from past conditioning, which I’m working on stripping (it’s a process), hence the name of this series. 

When I dove into the feeling of not being enough, I realized that it has in the past manifested as presenting myself a certain way in order to be seen for who I am.  This has typically been tied to my possessions, not my personality.  It was extremely difficult to accept this as true because I’ve never used my “things” to prove anything to others.  But I have used my things as a way to feel like myself.  Perhaps it was filling myself with a false sense of authenticity - even if the objects resonated with me.  This is why I stress that this work is rooted in the relationship we have with our objects, not the objects themselves.  I can only be myself and feel like myself in my nakedness.  So when I’m seeking something from them (objects), I am unable to seek the same subject or theme from myself.  In simpler terms - I’m looking in the wrong places.  I have everything I need within, so when I look to external sources, even for self-confirmation of any kind (even if the sources are healthy people we love or ethical objects we love), I’m reverberating that in some capacity, I am not enough.

Lately, I’ve been going through the process of ridding myself of almost all of my things.  Not because I made the decision to, or wanted to, but because in a higher sense I am being asked to.  I’m simply choosing to follow that nudge.  At the same time, I’ve had some illuminating, painful, and beautiful realizations and “aha” moments (through Unblocked Reparent, meditation, and other intuitive work).  I realized that growing up, I had to deny so many parts of myself in order to exist in my environment - I was not able to simply be me.   The process I’m going through now - while incredibly uncomfortable - feels like a beautiful gift.  A gift of being born again, in order to rise as my true self.  I’ve been given a clean slate, to metaphorically go back into the womb, as a gestation period.  So rather than adding things into my life to fill any emptiness I may be feeling, I’m shedding life as I know it (ideas, ways of being, things) in order to open the space for me to be enough without any of it - with nothing but my naked self.  I have no crutch to fall back on, and I don’t need one.  No one does.

This work is not about curating a perfect lifestyle.  It’s about warmth and invitation - to yourself.  Your needs, desires, fears, flaws.  It’s an invitation to all of it.  To examine it so that you can form a new relationship with yourself in order grow.  Just like our relationships with people, our objects are our mirrors.  Examine each one of your objects.  First check-in with yourself, and then ask the object - what are you here for?  What are you showing me?

If you are looking to go deeper into this work, you can book a one-on-one session here. 

Photo by Claire Cottrell.

KNOWING WHAT YOU DO NOW, WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU OFFER TO YOUR YOUNGER SELF?

"To dive in. To be bold and fearless and unapologetic in my own skin. To not be so afraid to completely draw outside of the lines. I drew on the border, teetering on the edge, but I would tell myself to go way past that border. I’m so sick of ‘should-ing’ on myself - no more!"

WHAT ARE THREE THINGS THAT ARE INSPIRING YOU RIGHT NOW?

"Boundaries. Less Stuff. Old art books. Also as a bonus - chairs (always). "

WHICH ELEMENT OF YOUR WORK DO YOU THRIVE OFF THE MOST?

"Childlike creativity. Being able to create from that space of total intuitive drive. It’s the thing that scares me the most, yet I trust it more than I fear it because it only gets me closer to my truth. I really love creating in secret. Alone. When no one is near, and I can create without self-judgement. "

WHAT DOES BEAUTY LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

"To me, beauty without intention really isn’t beautiful. It feels empty. We can emphasize the marriage of beauty and intention by realizing that they are the same. That beauty comes from mindfulness, from nature, from slowing down, from our hearts. Beauty looks like truth."

I had the pleasure of spending an afternoon with and being photographed by the lovely Claire Cottrell a few weeks ago for St. Agni - a Byron Bay based ethical fashion company specializing in shoes and clothing by Lara & Matt Fells.  Their pieces look seamless because they are not only beautifully and thoughtfully designed, but also easy and wearable.

You can find my interview - which includes my career path, music I'm listening to, my morning ritual, and more - on their journal here.  I'm so grateful to be apart of their In Her Shoes series.  

Photography:  Claire Cottrell 

Interview Intro:  Erin Watts of The Atelier

Clothing + Shoes:  St. Agni

In my ten month (unintentional) nomadic period, I traveled with just a suitcase.  The rest of my clothing was sitting in the warehouse of a specialty cleaning company, waiting to be picked up.  When I packed my suitcase last February, I had no idea I’d be living out of it for more than a few weeks.  I had mostly jeans and t-shits, a sweater, skincare, and a few books - that’s it.  Wearing the same exact thing four days of the week became so normal, and having choices while on such a crazy journey would have probably overwhelmed me.  My physical appearance/how I presented myself was something I simply did not have time to care about or pay attention to.  

Once we settled down in the cottage in Topanga, I was so excited to receive my clothing.  When it came, I was incredibly let down.  I sorted through everything only to realize I didn’t want most of it.  Typically this would be such a freeing moment, but we had just paid an exorbitant amount of money (money we can’t just throw around) on the cleaning fee.  I felt sick.  I could have used that money to pay off debt, acquire some new things I actually need, donate, etc.  What’s interesting is that I already did not own very much because I had been simplifying my life and ridding of things for a few years.  The more I get in touch with myself, the more I know exactly what I want - items that make me feel the most comfortable, authentic, and free in my skin.  Some items, like this vintage YSL blazer, absolutely serve that purpose.  Only the pieces I collected in the year prior to living out of a suitcase (with the exception of a leather jacket I've had for years), were pieces I decided to keep.  After sitting with the emotions, moving through them, and understanding that when I dropped my clothing off to be cleaned months prior, I couldn’t have anticipated the future, I was able to fully let go.  I couldn’t have known then, that in a short period, I would go through an experience that would detach me so deeply from my stuff.  

When I got the download for this website/venture, I wanted to explore that we can curate our lives with items that speak to who we are, in order to live with more intention and mindfulness.  That’s absolutely true, but what’s even more important is that our things have nothing to do with shaping who we are.  When we shed our attachment in order to see our objects as tools for connection, rather than as symbols of identity - the real work starts.  I will be re-opening sessions soon to aid you with this process, so stay tuned.  In the meantime, feel free to get in touch with any questions you may have.