I’ve been sitting here thinking of how to write to you.  Of how to tell you that I didn’t jump on the  ‘content train’ in the middle of a pandemic.  That I moved half-way across the country in the middle of a pandemic, even though my plans no longer made sense.  That I regret the decisions I made before I knew we’d be in the middle of a pandemic.  That I wish I could take them back.  That I don’t know how to move forward - not only because there is no ground on which to make a decision, but because there are no options available at the moment.  That I spent the night crying and wailing and shaking on the floor in disappointment and grief of the life I left behind, only to be stuck and unsafe, with no path yet in front of me.  I want to tell you that I’m annoyed that now we are in the middle of a pandemic, everyone seems to be turning to the tools and ideologies of work I’ve been doing and creating for years.  I want to scream, ‘where have you been? Why haven’t my cries been loud enough?’  And I want to scream even louder to those who still are not waking up, to those who will go back to some semblance of personal normalcy when the situation passes.  To the ones who are commoditizing off of this - I want to tell you that it feels icky to push my work.  Even though it comes from the core of my being and from a place of service, even though it is needed right now - I feel paralyzed.  So I’m telling you the truth.  Because that’s all I know to do.  Because perhaps you too will feel like it’s okay to feel paralyzed.  To not know how you’re going to survive.  To want to crumble.  To be in a place of massive contraction.  

If you are struggling 

if you feel like you are coming up against a brick wall 

if you keep having to learn the same things over and over again

if you're suffocating 

if you can't find your way out

you are not alone

not because others are with you

but because you are with yourself

and you can always find your way home

back to you.

I wrote the above words a year and a half ago.  I had just moved moved to New Mexico after so much insanity and contraction.  Doing so helped me to reclaim my power.  To come back to parts of myself I had hidden deep inside of my bones years prior.  And now, after leaving that place, I’m feeling a reversal experience.  One of confusion and grief and smallness.  And yet, on some level I know that this is part of the process.  That I’m being asked to incubate again.  That there will be a rebirth.  We are taught and shown that this process is devoid of stretching and of pain and of sorrow.  Those teachings are damaging.  We cannot sideswipe the shadow.  We must acknowledge it and hold it and tend to it.  It is the way home.  It is the way to wholeness.  And in our humanness, this way is not linear.  And so, here I am.  Here we are.  Traversing the unknown together, apart.  May you be where you are.  I grant you that permission.  

“The B side of a record is where the deep cuts live—the complex, idiosyncratic songs that true connoisseurs appreciate most.  In that same spirit, B Sides celebrates the beauty of imperfection: Jeans that, like the sleeper song on a classic rock album, have an interesting story to tell.”

These first two sentences on the ‘about’ page of B SIDES resonate deeply with me.  I live for the deep cuts - of albums and of jeans.  I want the interesting sounds, styles, and stories.  I live in vintage/thrifted denim.  I’m not a fan of stretchy/thin denim, and I like my jeans old and worn.  To put it frankly, I think new denim generally sucks.  I make an exception for B SIDES, though because they are the exception to new denim today.  The founders, Claire Lampert and Stacy Daily, began collecting antique denim for their previous project, the vintage boutique Where I Was From.  You can read more about their story here.  I had the pleasure of visiting their Chinatown showroom when I was in New York this past winter, where I learned about their upcoming collections.  They source their materials from family-owned mills that provide textiles to farm supply stores and have been since the 19th century. Every piece is unique.  As you can see, the two patchwork jeans shown above and photographed together are slightly different from one another.  Also to note - their jeans don’t feel like ‘new’ denim.  You can move in them, yet they are structured and tailored enough to remain true to the feel of red-tagged vintage Levis.  Explore their shop for these styles and more.  

Sleep is incredibly important to me, yet I am not very good at it.  I have struggled with insomnia on-and-off since I was 12-years-old.  Over the last seven years, I’ve gotten better at it, but I often do not truly experience deep sleep. When I moved into my current space, which was the first lease I signed after nearly three years of not having a true home, I knew I wanted a healthy and incredibly comfortable mattress.  I ordered an all organic mattress from a reputable company, and after one night of sleeping on it, I woke up covered in hives and short of breath.  The mattress was made partially of latex, which is very common in “healthy" mattresses.  I found out that I happen to be very allergic to latex, and that it’s actually very common to be.  After getting rid of the itchy mattress and sleeping on an air mattress for nearly three weeks, I came across Joybeds.  Their beds are made entirely of cotton and wool, which both break down much faster than other mattress materials such as foam and plastics.  Joybeds reduce waste by using these materials, which are renewable, recyclable, and biodegradable.  You can learn more about Joybeds here, and I encourage you to view their comparison chart, which reveals all of the chemicals in the current mattresses on the market.

I’ve now been sleeping on my breathable mattress for three months and through the entire summer (it sleeps cool).  I personally don’t like sinking into foam, so I may be biased; however, it’s the most comfortable mattress I’ve ever slept on.  I have the LXC model, which I was concerned about because I generally like my mattresses to be extremely firm.  It took a few days to adjust to, but now I love it.  It's soft yet supportive.

To honor this new healthy sleeping phase of my life, I made my bedroom into a romantic and dreamy escape full of flowers and books because aside from sleeping, I love to daydream on my bed as well. I suggest bringing objects into your bedroom to reimagine the space. Trust your instincts, and allow your senses to guide you. Of course, when sleeping, it’s usually easier for most to have a clean and serene space; however, sometimes we need to allow for creativity and freedom to promote rest. Becoming controlling and sterile can create stagnation, and we want to increase flow instead. Listen to my previous ‘dreamy escape’ mused playlist to inspire you.

I have felt that I'm “too much" my entire life.  I'm too intense.  Too passionate.  Too compassionate.  Too sensitive.  I wrote a sentence for my piece in Jane Magazine issue five that may best describe this:  

“I concealed my intensity in order to exist within a culture that champions aloofness.”

While I no longer want to conceal this part of myself because it is paramount to my being, de-conditioning does not happen overnight.  I often feel misunderstood because I find deep connections in relationships and situations where others seem to feel less so.   I've never been able to be "cultured" enough to be conditioned in this way.   Or perhaps I’m just not drinking the cool-aid.  I am not cool enough to hold back.  I simply cannot be tamed. 

I have been gaslighted many times in my life for having the audacity to use the word “connection" - dare I say it!  That word does not mean that I want you to be my best friend or life partner.  A connection can last a lifetime, yet it can also last for just an hour.  Even a strong connection does not denote an associated relationship status to go along with it.  I personally think everyone else needs to get off the cool-aid and cool off with their projections, which most likely point to a fear of intimacy.  However, it's not my business what other people fear or don't fear and how they act or don't act.  

Beyond this, I also sometimes feel like I’m “too much" for myself.  I have so many feelings that I don't even know what to do with them.  Oftentimes, I feel like "I'm STILL having to feel this?!  When will it go away?”  Yet, I know the answer isn't to suppress those feelings.  When I do so, they come up over and over again in different situations, entangled with the same messages, which equate to the same feelings (simply different packaging).  It comes down to this:  I'm afraid of my own power, so I dim it.  Perhaps I do so in order to make others more comfortable, but beneath that, there's fear of truly showing up as my deepest, fullest self.  Because what will that bring?

I recently experienced a situation where I edited/modified my truth in order for it to be “appropriate” within the context of the situation.  Had I stated my truth with some more heart and left room for a bit of messiness, rather than with proper and structured wording, perhaps I wouldn't have grappled with feeling disappointed in myself afterwards.  Everything is a lesson.  This exact experience lead me to truly feeling into this “too much-ness.”  It came to the surface during a conversation with a dear friend, which guided me to getting to the simple truth of the situation and of myself. What we don't accept, we repress.    Acceptance is about receiving - receiving awareness, receiving presence, receiving truth.  When I don’t share my truth, I shut myself off from receiving.  And I am afraid of just that - truly receiving.  

The deepest work we do doesn’t always come from healing sessions or intentionally trying to make shifts.  It often comes from the situations and relationships that show up in our lives, and if we pay attention, we can learn and grow tremendously.  When something feels “off,” or when you are not happy with how you may have handled a situation or responded to someone, if you get in touch with your feelings and emotions and let them come to the surface, deeper truths can be revealed.  The truth is simple.  It doesn’t require editing or explanation.  It just is, and it is powerful.  

We can look to our objects to help us to sit with ourselves.  They are the invitations to pause, to quiet the mind, and to get into the physical.  Simply touching an object while breathing into the body can bring enough awareness to access a wealth of internal wisdom.  I'm now working on receiving.  From others yes, but from my objects as well.  My practices right now revolve around receiving my feelings and emotions, so that I can allow them to surface.  The more I sit with my "too much-ness,” the less I feel that I’m too much, or not enough.  I'm not only allowing my feelings to express themselves, but I'm also separating them from my being, in order to set myself free.